So it's over...I'm bittersweet sad about it. Tomorrow I start my new job.
TBC...
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
The Dating Game
Soooo...I'm single.
It feels almost blasphemic to say those words. For so long, it was pounded into my head that I was not available, that I was in a committed relationship with someone and thou shalt not lookest at other Godesses. After half a decade of being with one girl, I'd forgotten alot of things about being single. Here's a list of the things I'd forgotten about The Dating Game:
1) The rules havn't changed...unlike technology, that changes every 18 months, you'd upgrade your PC or risk not being able to support MSFT's new blue screen, the rules to dating have not changed at all. there's still the 2 day rule for calling, the weekday date and you level up to the weeknight date. then if you're REALLY special, you get a weekend date. There's still the 'my friend likes you' the 'what are you drinking' and the 'hi my name is...' but now, instead of giving phone numbers, everyone's exchanging blackberry pin's.
2) When you date, you're searching. It's like 510 Flavors of Gelato. You walk in, do you pick the wasabi green ginger ice cream right away? No. You ask for a
taste and they give you one of those little tiny plastic spoons with a chunk of ice cream. You taste it and you decide if you like it or not. I decide that I will pass on wasabi green ginger ice cream today. Can I try some lime lemon sorbet? And so on, until you have the flavor that you like and then you say "Give me more of that. I like that." So now you walk out of the Gelato place, happy as a clam in high tide with the ice cream of your choice. You're confident that the choice you made is the right one because you've tried the rest, now you're with the best. Isn't dating the same? You go on one or two dates, figure out that the guy who you thought was soooOOOooo funny was really just drunk that day or that the girl who you thought was really deep because you philosophised about the meaning of life on the first date just turned out to be really not-smart (PC for dumb) and was really just asking alot of questions for real and not just rhetorically.
3) It sucks when one person likes the other person more. The difference with People-People relationships (vs People-Ice Cream) is that it goes both ways. While you don't think they are a match for you, they might think they are. I had a chat with a friend over dinner tonight and I'd said to her that her relationship is great because they both cared and liked and obsessed over each other in the same 'level'. While sometimes one liked the other more, it was never a large gap so all that was done, was appreciated. All good things were seen as good. All positive intentions were seen as for what they were. The problem comes when one person likes the other way more, like on a scale of 1-10, one person likes the other 8 and the other just feels a 3. So now, all that was done, is not appreciated. All good things will be seen as annoying. All positive intentions will be seen negatively. The 20 text messages a day turn from "aw he cares about what i'm doing and can't stop thinkin about me" to "oh damn she's totally blowing up my phone and being obsessive." The hour long phone calls go from "i can't stop talking to you cuz i love the sound of your voice" to "Oh damn. i got so much to do and this is totally killing my time." It's funny how feelings can change perspectives, but perspectives don't change feelings. (booya that was deep. think on that one for a second.)
4) That the grass is always greener. How many times have you heard this one? When you're in a relationship, there's times when you just want your own time, your own things, your own life. You feel like a babysitter, a gaurdian, a driver, a call center help line, a therapist. You feel like you have to think for 2 all the time, that you have no say in your own life. You wish for greener pastures, for the wide open space to run around in and do your own thing whatever it may be. But when you're si
ngle, there are times when you long for someone to care for, to cherish. You want to be a gaurdian, you want someone to call you, to open up to you. The time you have now seems too much. The wide open space is too vast, too empty for one person. I guess the perfect relationship would have a bit of everything and not just too much of one. Your life, my life and our life, all proportioned perfectly to both persons liking. I guess when you want the greener grass on the other side of the fence, it means that you're in the wrong field to begin with. I'm sure there's a plot of land out there that's just green enough for me, and when I find it, there will be no greener grass. (I'm sure my future girlfriend would love to see that I called her a plot of land.)
5) That if you don't look, they'll come along in their own time.
It feels almost blasphemic to say those words. For so long, it was pounded into my head that I was not available, that I was in a committed relationship with someone and thou shalt not lookest at other Godesses. After half a decade of being with one girl, I'd forgotten alot of things about being single. Here's a list of the things I'd forgotten about The Dating Game:
1) The rules havn't changed...unlike technology, that changes every 18 months, you'd upgrade your PC or risk not being able to support MSFT's new blue screen, the rules to dating have not changed at all. there's still the 2 day rule for calling, the weekday date and you level up to the weeknight date. then if you're REALLY special, you get a weekend date. There's still the 'my friend likes you' the 'what are you drinking' and the 'hi my name is...' but now, instead of giving phone numbers, everyone's exchanging blackberry pin's.
2) When you date, you're searching. It's like 510 Flavors of Gelato. You walk in, do you pick the wasabi green ginger ice cream right away? No. You ask for a
taste and they give you one of those little tiny plastic spoons with a chunk of ice cream. You taste it and you decide if you like it or not. I decide that I will pass on wasabi green ginger ice cream today. Can I try some lime lemon sorbet? And so on, until you have the flavor that you like and then you say "Give me more of that. I like that." So now you walk out of the Gelato place, happy as a clam in high tide with the ice cream of your choice. You're confident that the choice you made is the right one because you've tried the rest, now you're with the best. Isn't dating the same? You go on one or two dates, figure out that the guy who you thought was soooOOOooo funny was really just drunk that day or that the girl who you thought was really deep because you philosophised about the meaning of life on the first date just turned out to be really not-smart (PC for dumb) and was really just asking alot of questions for real and not just rhetorically.3) It sucks when one person likes the other person more. The difference with People-People relationships (vs People-Ice Cream) is that it goes both ways. While you don't think they are a match for you, they might think they are. I had a chat with a friend over dinner tonight and I'd said to her that her relationship is great because they both cared and liked and obsessed over each other in the same 'level'. While sometimes one liked the other more, it was never a large gap so all that was done, was appreciated. All good things were seen as good. All positive intentions were seen as for what they were. The problem comes when one person likes the other way more, like on a scale of 1-10, one person likes the other 8 and the other just feels a 3. So now, all that was done, is not appreciated. All good things will be seen as annoying. All positive intentions will be seen negatively. The 20 text messages a day turn from "aw he cares about what i'm doing and can't stop thinkin about me" to "oh damn she's totally blowing up my phone and being obsessive." The hour long phone calls go from "i can't stop talking to you cuz i love the sound of your voice" to "Oh damn. i got so much to do and this is totally killing my time." It's funny how feelings can change perspectives, but perspectives don't change feelings. (booya that was deep. think on that one for a second.)
4) That the grass is always greener. How many times have you heard this one? When you're in a relationship, there's times when you just want your own time, your own things, your own life. You feel like a babysitter, a gaurdian, a driver, a call center help line, a therapist. You feel like you have to think for 2 all the time, that you have no say in your own life. You wish for greener pastures, for the wide open space to run around in and do your own thing whatever it may be. But when you're si
ngle, there are times when you long for someone to care for, to cherish. You want to be a gaurdian, you want someone to call you, to open up to you. The time you have now seems too much. The wide open space is too vast, too empty for one person. I guess the perfect relationship would have a bit of everything and not just too much of one. Your life, my life and our life, all proportioned perfectly to both persons liking. I guess when you want the greener grass on the other side of the fence, it means that you're in the wrong field to begin with. I'm sure there's a plot of land out there that's just green enough for me, and when I find it, there will be no greener grass. (I'm sure my future girlfriend would love to see that I called her a plot of land.)5) That if you don't look, they'll come along in their own time.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
VICTORYYYY!
Yesterday was my last day at work. I was laid off 7 working days ago when my boss asked me to step into his office and proceeded to tell me all the reasons how it wasn't me, it was him...and how maybe there would be a possibility for us to work together again in the future, that right now it was just bad timing and that he just couldn't afford to pay me anymore (wow, that 
sounded like how I've ended relationships). Of course, just as my ex's do when I tell them that, I freaked out a bit. I cried. I fetal'd up and rocked back and forth for an hour or so...in the dark. It was kind of sadly funny, because the day before, I'd hurt my foot running around the seawall. Something called Plantar Fasciitis (wiki: Plantar fasciitis is a syndrome of heel pain due to inflammation of the thick ligament of the base of the foot. A tight, inflamed plantar fascia can cause pain when walking or running, and lead to the formation of a heel spur. ) And that morning, it was nice out but it'd started raining heavily during the day. So here I was, freshly laid off, limping home in the rain with no umbrella. I could almost hear the violins, serenading my tragedy.
sounded like how I've ended relationships). Of course, just as my ex's do when I tell them that, I freaked out a bit. I cried. I fetal'd up and rocked back and forth for an hour or so...in the dark. It was kind of sadly funny, because the day before, I'd hurt my foot running around the seawall. Something called Plantar Fasciitis (wiki: Plantar fasciitis is a syndrome of heel pain due to inflammation of the thick ligament of the base of the foot. A tight, inflamed plantar fascia can cause pain when walking or running, and lead to the formation of a heel spur. ) And that morning, it was nice out but it'd started raining heavily during the day. So here I was, freshly laid off, limping home in the rain with no umbrella. I could almost hear the violins, serenading my tragedy. That was it though. When I'd gotten home from the walk, I'd let all my anger, sadness and negativity out already. It'd washed away with the rain dripping down my temples. I let myself go for a bit, I let myself wander and lose all hope, to be really sad, to be really angry and be the victim for a bit. I told myself I was screwed, I told myself it was the end, that I was done. It felt good. It felt like a relief to be a victim, to know that there was nothing you could do and that you just had to accept what was. But once the feeling subsided, it never came back. It's funny how that works. When my ex and I broke up, I'd run into some random things and feelings welled up inside of me. Memories flooded my mind and I'd get emotional about it. But the next time I'd run into the random thing, the feelings never came back. It was a one time thing. I think from that, I'd learned that if you hold things in, push it to the back of your head, it never goes away. But if you let it take you over and control you for a powerful short time, it will leave you and never come back.
I made a few calls. I applied at a few places. I broke it down to one small step at a time, one doable task at a time, leaving my doomsday thoughts out of it, but just concentrating on one step at a time. Today I had my final interview with a company and throughout this week, I'd had several. I have 3 offer letters in front of me, all equally attractive. I had a CEO come into the 2nd interview and try to close me on why I should work for his company. I had a Director challenge me in foosball on my way out because he wanted to show me how great of a culture his company had. This last 7 days have been amazingly busy but well worthwhile. Now, I'll have a week or so off of work (a mini vacation!! woo!) and my pick of futures to walk towards.
In the words of Johnny Drama, VICTORRRYYYY!!! And like Drama, I couldn't have done it without my friends. They kept me up, they kept me motivated and they let me know that I really wasn't that screwed. ;) Thank you. 
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